Out came deer
Deer run far
Deer stop here
Out came car
Car has brakes
Brakes not thrilled
Despite driver shakes
No deer killed
Away went deer
Deer went far
Driver drank beer
Farther went car
Light turned red
Driver too drunk
Child right ahead
Car said clunk
Child was only five
Don't drink and drive
Good mix of 'light and fun' and dark humour. This poem proves that simplicity goes a long way.
ReplyDeleteYou struck me with: "Child right ahead Car said clunk". It conveys a subtle, dark sense of humor.
ReplyDeleteAnd, I really like how you decided to maintain three words for each prosa (or is it called line? idk, i'm no poet and know it) until the ending verse, where you went with 4. I assume it was also your intention to have each verse consist of 4 prosas/lines. Good idea.
'Stanza' is the word for a grouping of lines/verses...
DeleteI really like this! I think it's great how all the verses consist of 3 words, apart from the very last one of 4. It's really nice and simple, but in spite of its simplicity still manages to tell a story and has a powerful message. (oops, I accidentally deleted my comment first time around)
ReplyDeleteFalse friend: the word for a group of lines in English is 'stanza'. To make it worse, the word for line of poetry is 'verse' in English - hence the false friend problem.
DeleteI would like to echo what Julie has already put so well.
ReplyDeleteThe poem is very effective. The simplicity, yet slight strangeness of each line of verse contributes greatly to the effect: mix of childishness and cynicism.
ReplyDeleteThis was a well-chosen backwards phrase that seemed to proliferate to many other phrases, i.e. to inspire...
I like how you used the phrase from your word hoard as a restriction for the verses in your poem and only break it in the last two verses. I also like that even though the form of the poem is very simple you still manage to get a very strong message and moral through.
ReplyDeleteThis simplicity only intensifies the dark theme in the poem.
ReplyDeleteBecause the stanzas has been influenced by this simplicity, the ending sort of came as a surprise to me.
i love childishness and the simplicity of this poem, and i most certainly love the dark turn it took and with a very important message in the end. Nicely done!
ReplyDelete