Warmth of blanket, smell of coffee, hugs
from friends, yet home I leave.
Sun in sky, green leaves on trees, swans on
glistening lake, yet stop to look I do not.
Grass under foot, fresh air in hair, laughter
in ear, yet on I walk.
I want to stay, but
closer comes bridge and closer comes dream, so on I walk.
Determination in mind, restlessness in
feet, anticipation in heart, so on I walk.
Suddenly, splinter in finger, rotten wood
under foot, hesitation in mind, so stop I do.
I walk back, but sun is cloud, air is damp,
friends are gone, but on I walk.
Only cold coffee left. Better than nothing.
I find your repetition at the end of each line endearing, which makes me want to read more, and simultaneously the emphasis on the repetition makes we realize that those are the important words. Also, the sadness combined with the optimism of the little things in the poem make for a comforting mood that "nothing is never too bad, since you will always have bad coffee". Overall I really enjoyed your poem!
ReplyDeleteYou seem to have chosen a style that fits with our task of choosing a backwards sentence. In a sense I guess it can overall be described as "Yoda-ism" (fx "closer comes dream" or "on I walk"). I don't mean it as criticism since you have incorporated it into your work and made it consistent.
ReplyDeleteI also like your phrasing: "Grass under foot, fresh air in hair, laughter in ear". It paints, to me, a picture of a an early morning in the spring with good friends.
Really enjoyed your poem! I love how the ending is so abrupt and inconsistent with the rest of the poem, that made me giggle. As Sine pointed out, I too feel like the this is trying to convey that things aren't ever really that bad. Cool!
ReplyDeleteReally good example of how a well-chosen backwards phrase can 'inspire' the wording of the whole poem and become a stylistic device that holds the reader's interest. Good job, and also a very sensory poem with a well-constructed poetic speaker.
ReplyDelete