MY FREAKY FRIEND

Hey blog, it’s mondaaaaay and weird shit’s been happening this weekend, so buckle up and get ready.

So today I’m going to tell you guys all about this crazy friend I have, who seem to think he is a Duke or something. We went to his house this saturday, and he showed me a freakin’ big ass painting of his socalled ‘Duchess’ – what a freak, right? So okay, this painting was creapin’ me out. That woman was seriously staring at me with her big popping eyes – I swear, she looked like she could jump out of that painting at any time! Anyway, he tells me some guy named Pandolf painted it and that he is a very skilled and known artist with “great sense of detail” and I’m like… Who the heck is Pandolf??

And then he seriously says: “Sit on this chair and watch her closely” and I am LITERALLY freaking out!! Like, did you kill her and now I’m next?? That was so creepy I just can’t comprehend… Oh, and btw, he had a red velvet curtain hanging over that bitch… I am not kidding, you guys…

So then he starts talking about this guy Pandolf again, like I even give a shit… Saying stuff like “depth and passion” and I’m just sitting there, thinking how ugly that woman really is. If that guy Pandolf really is soooo talented, howcome he didn’t paint her with the newest Jimmy Choos? I mean, seriously, have a sense of fashion before you call yourself and artist… Then Dukie says: “You’re not the first to ask” and I’m like: duuuude, ain’t nobody asked you a god damn thing??!! Jeeez. I don’t even know why I call him my friend, he really gives me the creeps.

But he keeps yapping about his fat girlfriend on the wall, talking about the color of her cheeks like we’re in some baaad Jane Austen movie, calling me “Sir” and all that shit, implyin’ that I dig her. Duuuuuude, do you not know I like dick?! He goes on and says that Gandalf, or whoever, told that girl to lift up her skirt, what a dirtbag!! He ain’t wanna paint that girl, he wanna have some of that girl!! But Dukie seems to think that his girl was just tryin’ to be “polite”… POLITE?? Bro!! Yo lady is about to get down with Mr. Painter, is you blind??! Omg, that was some serious three-way drama, I’m telling ya… I’ve seen those girls before, hoeing up for the weekend and getting down with aaaall dudes out there.

But you know, he did kinda admit that she likes everything. I mean, he said that he “gave her a dress” one day, Chanel I think, and another day he “gave her a cherry milkshake” and she reacted the same damn way… Wtf?? Girl, Chanel is my religion, don’t ya even act as if that is as good as a non-fat free milkshake, you damn fool! Although he did say, that sometimes she doesn’t react at all, she just stands there and blushes… It’s so damn pathetic I think I’m gonna puke… Anyway, he says that one day some other dude came with a cherry milkshake for her, stickin’ his nose in where it don’t belong and I told him: don’t let no man steal yo girl bro, you tell him! Set him straight… But then he said “It’s okay, it’s nothing, she said thank you” and I am telling you guys, I was about to go damn crazy… She said ‘THANK YOU’??!!! Damn bro, don’t ever let her play you that way… This is seriously the most f’ed up relationship I have ever heard about… And I’m freaking gay…

The next part is so freaky, you won’t believe it… He starts saying that “I gave her a nine-hundred-year-old name” and that she oughtta think about the prestigious family she married into and a whoooole bunch of other nasty stuff, I won’t even let you in on it all, I care about you guys too much… That DOUCHEBAG thinks he is more worth than that woman??! That is SOOO typical men!!! What about the woman’s worth??? Sure, she is kinda dumb, but that ain’t her fault… Damn I knew he would say something like that…. Jerk!! And omfg!! Then he said “Don’t want to argue with women, do we?” and I’m like: boooooy I’m gonna bitch slap you any time soon, you nasty pig!! I ain’t on your side, bro!!

I told him he should talk with his woman, that’s the way to solve problems. But he was all “I don’t know what to say” which is sooo cliché… But he’s been yapping all this time, I think he’s full of it – off course he knows what to say! But then he said that she always smiles at him, just nothing special, because she smiles at all men out there… They both got some issues…

When I asked him where his wifey went, he didn’t say anything other than “The smiles stopped” and asked me to stand up again. Seriously, I have never been closer to shittin’ my pants. He asked me to go downstairs to the others, and I’m like: the OTHERS?! You havin’ a party downstairs bro?? This is the point where I’m seriously thinking about running, but I gotta check this freak out some more.

As we’re about to go downstairs, he starts talking about my boss’ daughter, like some freak who just want to lay his hand on all girls out there, and I’m thinking, is this the reason I’m even here? So I can be his wingman??! Omg… That’s when I know the freakshow is over!! I’m trying to come up with a reason to leave, but he insists on keeping me there and keeps asking if I won’t join him and the others… Again, who the fuck are those other people?? Before we leave his creepy ‘gallery’, he starts pointing at a bronze statue of… wait for it… NEPTUNE! That’s when I knew I had to fake an emergency and get the hell outta there, and I did, thank goodness, I got away!

That’s it you guys. My freaky ‘friend’ who I fyi ain’t seeing nomore!

Peace out, hope y’all had a better weekend than me!

XOXO